November 7 – Love . . . A Frightening Thing
What started as a night of spontaneity ended with me admitting that I love Robin. After a discussion about our becoming predictable, we ended up at Luke’s casino for a night of gambling. Just when we were about to go back to my apartment and “play”, we got called in for an emergency. The patient who happened to have AIDS needed surgery and Robin was worried. As a result, she reverted to type – she got into my OR and started giving “suggestions” as to how I should proceed with the procedure.
As soon as the surgery was over, she disappeared. But I found her later and told her in no uncertain terms that when I’m operating, I’m in charge. She’s just there to observe and provide any additional insight into the care of the patient, not in the direction I take a procedure. In the midst of my explaining that, I happened to blurt out that I love her.
I guess I’ve known for a while that I loved Robin, but I got scared. Maybe it was fear of losing her the way my father lost my mother. Maybe it was the fear of not being able to give her what she needs. Whatever the reason, in the middle of an argument about another surgery on an AIDS patient, I blurted it out and what did I get for my declaration – a lecture. Robin defenses went up because she was scared. I knew that, but that didn’t make her comment about love never being a part of our relationship hurt any less.
So what did I do, I did what I do best. I pursued her. I showed up at her place with flowers and a radio and told her all the reasons I love her and need her. She finally admitted to her fear and told me that . . . she loved me, too. I mean, I knew that. How could she not? But, it was good to hear. Everyone wants to hear the words.
As soon as the surgery was over, she disappeared. But I found her later and told her in no uncertain terms that when I’m operating, I’m in charge. She’s just there to observe and provide any additional insight into the care of the patient, not in the direction I take a procedure. In the midst of my explaining that, I happened to blurt out that I love her.
I guess I’ve known for a while that I loved Robin, but I got scared. Maybe it was fear of losing her the way my father lost my mother. Maybe it was the fear of not being able to give her what she needs. Whatever the reason, in the middle of an argument about another surgery on an AIDS patient, I blurted it out and what did I get for my declaration – a lecture. Robin defenses went up because she was scared. I knew that, but that didn’t make her comment about love never being a part of our relationship hurt any less.
So what did I do, I did what I do best. I pursued her. I showed up at her place with flowers and a radio and told her all the reasons I love her and need her. She finally admitted to her fear and told me that . . . she loved me, too. I mean, I knew that. How could she not? But, it was good to hear. Everyone wants to hear the words.
posted by B Kizer at 12:51 AM
1 Comments:
I think what you did for Robin was so beautiful and unique. It shows you truly care about her and have for a long time. It took you awhile to admit your true feelings to yourself because love can be scary, but it can also bring about rewards which I think you have felt with Robin. She is the one woman you have felt you can take that risk with because you trust her. I am so happy for you both.
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