September 5 – Living with Fear
Alexis’ surgery was text book. She made it through the surgery well. Now, the hard part begins – her treatment and recovery. I told her she’d make it through the surgery and I kept my word. As soon as it was over, Robin bolted.
I found her on the docks. Apparently, her maternal clock started ticking when Alexis talked about loving her daughters. I can see that. Robin is definitely a care giver. The way she’s been there for me since my AIDS exposure is a testament to that. I think any kid would be lucky to have her as a mother. She’d not only love the kid to distraction, but she’d also teach the child to be resilient. The way she lives her life is nothing short of amazing. In spite of the fear she has, she pushes herself to go on.
I admire that. Especially since I’ve been running since my mom died – running from the fear of falling apart like my father or being that lost kid I was then. I never thought I’d admit that out loud. I can’t go back there. It was too painful the first time around and the risk is too great. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t learned that time is precious and we should live every moment to the fullest. That said, if Robin wants a baby, she should have one. Yes, there are risks, but other women with the same risk factors do it. She can too.
I found her on the docks. Apparently, her maternal clock started ticking when Alexis talked about loving her daughters. I can see that. Robin is definitely a care giver. The way she’s been there for me since my AIDS exposure is a testament to that. I think any kid would be lucky to have her as a mother. She’d not only love the kid to distraction, but she’d also teach the child to be resilient. The way she lives her life is nothing short of amazing. In spite of the fear she has, she pushes herself to go on.
I admire that. Especially since I’ve been running since my mom died – running from the fear of falling apart like my father or being that lost kid I was then. I never thought I’d admit that out loud. I can’t go back there. It was too painful the first time around and the risk is too great. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t learned that time is precious and we should live every moment to the fullest. That said, if Robin wants a baby, she should have one. Yes, there are risks, but other women with the same risk factors do it. She can too.
posted by B Kizer at 5:35 PM
3 Comments:
Patrick, you've come such a long way that I know it's asking a lot to make you realize what you've been telling us in your blog. You love Robin. You want her to be happy. You really want her to have her dreams fulfulled.
Okay, listen up. You are her dream. You. She loves you. She doesn't want to scare you off, so she's being reticent.
She's so afraid of being left again (sound familiar?) that she puts that same wall up around her heart. You've broken down the wall around your own heart nearly completely in the last few weeks. You've watched Robin's break down completely, and then build back up like a fortress. Go to her. Remind her that you are not going anywhere....and then maybe that "L" word that frightens you both will claw it's way to the surface!
Patrick, you know you have grown I am beginning to wonder if it's enough for Robin. It is so obvious that you are in love with her. But I am really beginning if you will ever take that leap of faith and admit it to both her and yourself. I wonder if you will ever let yourself be vulnerable enough to realize how great love really is. If you can't then you have to let Robin go as sad as that makes me to say.
I can understand your fears but like you said there are no guarantees in life and in the blink of an eye life changes. If you have a chance to love someone as special as this woman why would you throw it away Dont be a lonely fool no human has a sticker that says I WONT DIE.YOU need to live now.
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