January 22 – Big Questions

Okay, now it’s official. My girlfriend is neurotic.

I’m learning that I know very little about relationships. All I know is that I love Robin and can’t imagine not having her be part of my life. I found Robin at the hospital where I knew she’d be. Whenever she’s scared, she throws herself into work. Then, I did the only logical thing. I asked her to move in with me. She said, “No”.

Supposedly, I’m afraid of commitment and I’m only doing this to make her happy. Forget the fact that I want to wake up to her in the morning and go to bed next to her every night. Forget the fact that I want to share meals and furniture. I knew she was scared, but I gave her the key to use or not at her will. She did. We rearranged furniture. We christened the couch and she . . . changed her mind. So, yes, Robin is a little neurotic, but I wouldn’t change a thing.

January 19 – Like a Yo-Yo

I got up early this morning and reordered the couch that I sent back, along with some other furniture that I liked when I went to the furniture store to have them pick up the couch. After my conversation with Robin, I decided maybe it was time for me to step out and try something new. The apartment is growing on me, so I decided to keep it. If I’m staying, I need furniture. Robin was right. I can’t sit on folding chairs or the floor forever. So, I have all this furniture delivered. Today. What does that get me? Another fight with Robin. I send furniture back – I’m wrong. I buy furniture – I’m wrong. I can not win.

Now, she thinks that I’m just doing things to please her. I’m not. I’m doing what I want, but even if I was doing this to please her – is that such a bad thing? You’d think she’d be happy. But, no, not Robin. Okay, yes, I overreacted and had the couch returned, because I didn’t know what it meant to Robin. Yes, I had a pretty quick turn around and ordered an apartment full of furniture, but I do very few things that I don’t want to do. Robin should know that. Instead, she does what she always does when she’s unsure – she runs. What am I supposed to do now?

January 18 – Honesty: It Works

Robin had a couch delivered. A really nice couch. To my apartment. At first I didn’t think much of it, but then Pete came over and I realized that Robin and I might be in different places. I sent the couch back, not because I didn’t like it, but because Robin did overstep her bounds. This is why I didn’t want an apartment. I liked living at the Metro Court because I didn’t have to cook or clean . . . or decorate. It was easy.

Robin and I had a really good talk about the couch and the apartment and I really think she understands where I’m coming from. I just don’t want to rush our relationship. Robin is all I want and I don’t want to screw it up. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if she got hurt. But now that Robin understands my phobias and my need to run my own life, maybe I’ll keep the place . . . and that sofa was really nice. Maybe I’ll try this for a little longer and see what happens.

January 10 – Shopping and Attempted Murder

One minute Robin is trying to lure me out of the hospital to go shopping for a sofa and the next Lorenzo Alcazar is being brought in with a gun shot wound to the head. To say the least, it’s been a busy couple of days.

Robin has been driving me crazy about furnishing an apartment that I never wanted. Now she’s talking about the fact that I have to “experience” the sofa and something about the “seven points of comfort.” If I’m looking for points of comfort, I’ll be looking in other places than on a sofa – on Robin namely. And the fact that she appears to want to add all these personal touches to “my” apartment kinda freaks me out. I’m not sure what she’s looking for or that I can give it to her.

Enough about my apartment issues, on to work. Lorenzo Alcazar was brought in unconscious with bullet fragments in his brain. Alan wanted to relieve the pressure in his brain and go back in later to remove the fragments. That would almost guarantee that he’s have some brain damage. I convinced Skye, with Robin’s help, that Lorenzo’s best chance of a full recovery was to have surgery immediately to relieve the pressure and remove the fragments. The surgery was a success, but then Mr. Alcazar went in to cardiac arrest, which isn’t normal for this type of surgery. Later, we found what looked like condensation in his IV. We think someone might still be trying to kill him. Before Robin agreed with me on that, I thought she believed I botched the surgery. She didn’t and I apologized for jumping to conclusions.

She started talking about us getting closer personally and I’d think that’s a good thing, but that’s leads into her suggesting that we not work so closely together. Explain that logic to me. I respect her work and her consultation on cases is invaluable. So, how is that a disservice to our patients and our careers? We keep each other honest and call each other on our crap. I’d say that’s reason enough for us to continue working together, but who am I? I’m just the guy in this “relationship”.

January 2 – Insecurity

I thought Robin might be disappointed that we didn’t do anything special for New Year’s, but she was content to spend the night with me – just the two of us. But then, the conversation turned to me decorating my apartment or rather Robin decorating my apartment. It got a little tense when I resisted her recommendations and she was there freaking out and going on the defense which happens to be her reflex when she feels threatened. I stopped her from leaving and reminded her of her New Year’s resolution – to be honest with me. She finally took a breath and told me what was wrong.

I couldn’t believe that she thought that she could just be a blip on my radar because I was stuck by a needle. She changed my life. I love her and that isn’t going to change. I can’t imagine my life without her being part of it. At the same time, I’m not nearly ready to let her make decisions for me or to live with her. I’m not even sure if she realizes that she’s pushing for that. But that’s definitely the impression I got. All I know is that all the talk about dressers and sofas and art work is freaking me out a little. How do I tell her that without hurting her or making her feel threatened again?

January 1 – The Holidays

This year, the holidays were better than I thought they’d be. Christmas was the best one since I lost my mother. Robin and I worked Christmas Eve and helped out at the hospital Christmas party. Then, I spent the rest of the Christmas holiday with Robin decorating a Christmas tree and snuggling in front of the finished product.

New Year’s Eve. I had all intentions of going to the New Year’s Eve party at the Metro Court and then getting a room at the hotel, because my new empty apartment hates me. I couldn’t find anything in my suitcases. It was ridiculous. But then Robin came through. She got some of her furniture out of storage and brought an air mattress. We spent the rest of the evening enjoying the quiet and each other. I don’t know if there’s a better way to ring in the New Year. We’ll just have to see next year.