July 31 - Distraction

Robin has been checking on me on the regular. I know she’s worried, but there’s nothing anyone can do, but wait or focus on something else. That’s exactly what I planned when Liz called me to meet her at the hospital. I was looking for anything to distract me from thinking about my test results and how my life might change in just days, but I wasn’t looking for this.

Sometimes I hate being right. As much as I believed that Lucky might be getting addicted to pain meds, I’d hoped that Liz was right. She wasn’t. Today, Liz confirmed my suspicions. I hate to see Liz going through this. She loves Lucky so much. Hopefully whatever Lucky was doing with Maxie is over and Liz won’t have to deal with that, too.

July 28 - Gaining Some Perspective

I never thought I’d be able to understand why Robin was always so conscious of the HIV or why she always makes it such a big deal. Now I think I do. Even though I haven’t gotten any test results, I know I could be part of that less than 1% that gets the virus and the thought of passing it to anyone is unthinkable. I can understand why Robin chose not to be a surgeon.

Robin has got to be one the strongest people I know, if not the strongest. Today, she relived her experience to give me some idea of what I have to look forward to for the next six months. She told me about the reaction to the anti-retrovirals and the emotions I’ll go through. I still don’t know what to feel. Robin says I’m in shock. I guess that’s what it is.

I don’t even really know if I have a right to feel this way. I mean Robin has lived with the virus for 10 years and she’s like a rock. Robin didn’t have the same options I do. She was just a kid. I don’t even know if I have it and I’m barely holding it together. I’m using everything I can as a distraction from this, even Liz and her issues with Lucky. The one thing I do know is that I have Robin . . . she’ll be there for me no matter what.

July 27 - What do I do now?

Just hours ago I was pumped up to save a life. It’s amazing how fast your can crash and burn. I, one of the top neurosurgeons in the country, nicked myself during surgery on an AIDS patient. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about it. On one hand, I saved the life of a patient that otherwise would have died. On the other, I put mine in jeopardy. When it happened I didn’t have time to think about it, I just did what I do best – I took care of my patient with no regard to anything else. That’s what I do or . . . did.

Six months. I’ve got six months to wait to know just how much my life will change. How am I supposed to wait? How do I get through that? Robin tells me I’m not alone, but that’s sure how it feels. I guess I’ll have to lay off Robin now. I can’t imagine going through this 10 years ago and as a kid . . . to not know the odds or the stats. Robin called me brave, but I don't feel brave right now. I'm terrified.

July 26 - Saving Lives

What started out as a pretty normal day for me and Robin – arguing over patient care (surgery vs. meds) and her hiding behind her HIV, ended up being pretty eventful. Right now, I’m off to scrub in for surgery of an AIDS patient who came in a little earlier with acute head trauma. For a while it looked like there would be a problem providing this woman critical care. Ms. Sneed, the Administrative Pit Bull, was in our faces about the fact that the patient doesn’t have insurance and made some out of place comment about the patient’s lifestyle choices. Who is she or anyone else to judge the woman’s life while knowing nothing about her, except that she has an illness? That’s the problem with small-minded people.

Robin made me realize that a lot of people are still small-minded, ignorant and scared when it comes to HIV and AIDS. She even had me convinced that we might have a problem staffing the OR for the surgery. I was fully prepared to do it with just Robin and Epiphany, if no one showed, because we are about saving lives. It’s nice to know that Robin and I can both be wrong sometimes, especially about people. We had more than enough staff to choose from and it just reinforces my opinion that I’m in the right place. Robin even gave me a compliment. Things may just be looking up.

July 24 - What are we doing?

Carly came by the hospital in need of a distraction from Sonny and I thought it would be a great idea to use her to take my mind off Robin. Little did I know that showing up at the MetroCourt with Carly would lead to an all night discussion of Robin Scorpio. It wasn’t that I was trying to make Robin jealous, but I wanted to make it clear that we could both date or sleep with whoever we want.

What I wasn’t expecting was for her to kiss the prince in the middle of the restaurant. Carly said Nikolas wouldn’t kiss Robin unless Robin asked him, but I don’t buy that. Nikolas is close to Robin and while I don’t put it past her to throw Nikolas in my face, I don’t think she’d ask him to kiss her for my benefit. Whatever the case, I don’t like the way seeing her kiss him made me feel. All it did was lead to me spilling my guts to Carly about my and Robin’s relationship. It also made me acknowledge that our relationship is more than just sex, always has been.

The more Carly talks, the more I see she really doesn’t know Robin, but she did hit one nail on the head. Robin wants a long-term relationship no matter what she says and I know I can’t give her that. I don’t know why I can’t just let Robin go. I know we have no future, but part of me was sitting there in Jake’s wishing that she’d show up and throw a fit. If Jason hadn’t walked into Jake’s, I was planning to use Carly to move past Robin, even though I knew sleeping with Carly could mean losing Robin for good. But apparently Jason takes precedence over everything else in Carly’s world, even Jax and she went to him.

When I got back to hospital, I accused Robin of sending Jason to break me and Carly up hoping that she had. She denied it and I could tell she was telling the truth. She didn’t send Jason and she wasn’t going to look for us. Robin wasn’t even worried about me sleeping with Carly and I’m not sure whether I should be offended or not. She never once considered that I wouldn’t sleep with Carly, but believed that Carly wouldn’t sleep with me because I’d slept with an HIV+ woman – Robin. She accused Carly of being ignorant and prejudiced and maybe she is even though I’ve never seen evidence of that. Before I could even comment, Robin walked away. Just this morning everything was right with the world and now, I don’t know where we are.

July 21 - I don't do jealous!

Robin and I agreed to take things as they come yesterday, but I don’t think that included her getting flowers from other men. What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t let her think it bothered me so I decided to give Elizabeth flowers. What could it hurt? Nothing, except that Lucky came into the hospital at that exact moment and everything fell apart. Then Robin went on to tell me that she understood that I wanted to make sure everyone knew I wasn’t committed, right before telling me that she was having dinner with the prince.

I’m not jealous, but I wonder what’s really going on with Nikolas. He sends Robin flowers at the hospital and then takes her to dinner. That doesn’t sound like just friends. Emily confirmed for me that Robin and Nikolas are close, but how close? This is the reason I’ve avoided emotional bonds – this confusion and irritation. I actually asked Emily about Nikolas and Robin’s relationship and she suggested that I was bothered. I’m not bothered, just curious.

What I need is a distraction, something to take my mind off the infuriating Dr. Scorpio. After all we have no commitments, we’re both free. We can see whoever we want. So why am I irritated?

July 20 - "No Strings" Again

Who would’ve thought that a simple lunch at the MetroCourt would lead Robin and I back together? Not together, together, but back to some semblance of a “no strings” relationship and some amazing sex. We decided to take each day as it comes with out any expectations. Hopefully, we’re a little bit wiser and we won’t let our involvement in other people’s stuff get in our way.

I didn’t realize how much I missed Robin until I listened to her go on about why our lunch was a waste of time. She overanalyzes everything. I still miss her and here I can admit that I miss more than the sex. The constant fighting and ignoring each other was taking its toll on everyone. While I miss her, I can’t get emotionally involved with her and I don’t want her hurt because of me. She says she only wants to make whatever this is we have work and I think I can do that, but I can’t give her more. I watched my father fall apart when my mother died and I can’t let that happen to me. My father has been miserable and I can’t imagine how the love he had for my mother was worth the pain he’s been in since she’s been gone. Even if dad does think it’s better to be loved by an amazing woman, I won’t go through that.