August 30 – Blaming Yourself

Earlier tonight I saw Liz at the hospital and I do not envy her. I’ve been where she is. I totally blamed myself for my dad’s drinking. I thought if only I can be the best student, the best doctor, whatever it took to make my dad stop drinking and be there for me. I guess in that respect I’m a lot like Robin. She worked really hard to get good grades and to be a good girl so that her parents would come home safe and I did the same thing. Neither of us realized at the time that only our parents could make the choices to be there for us. There was really nothing we could do.

Thanks to an attending physician I went to AA and got some insight into why my dad chose to drink and why I felt the need to try and control him by being the best. AA helped me put my actions in perspective and saved my life. At the rate I was going, I would have worked myself into an early grave. Now, thanks to Robin, Dad and I are better than we’ve been in a long time. I hope Liz and Lucky make it through this stronger. I know she loves him and that she blames herself, but only Lucky can fix this.

August 26 – Nothing is Guaranteed

Yesterday, Robin was still avoiding me. The lab had become her refuge from live patients. I know April’s loss is hard on her; it’s hard on me, too. But, I know April would never want Robin to give up. She tells me she’s been dealing in her own way, but she’s been hiding from everything and everyone that makes her feel alive. We got into another disagreement about that before I saw a patient of my dad’s – Alexis Davis, a prime example of nothing in life being guaranteed.

Earlier in the year, Alexis could have died during the encephalitis outbreak, but instead she got the only available dose of the antidote when I would have given it to Robin. Yes, we got enough of the antidote just in the nick of time to save Robin and everyone else in the hospital, but we were worried. Now, Robin is as healthy as anyone with HIV can be, and Alexis may be dying of lung cancer. That is how uncertain life can be and there’s nothing we can do about it, except celebrating every moment we have. Robin taught me that and no matter what she says, she has to believe that in that place deep down inside herself. She couldn’t have been putting spin on everything just for the rest of us. Robin had to believe to have such strong convictions when anyone disputed her. She just had to remember it. And maybe she has.

When I went to scrub in for my surgery yesterday afternoon, Dr. Scorpio showed up to scrub in as well. She must be feeling better, because she was all ready to tell me what I’d missed in my original assessment and start giving me orders like usual. I know she won’t just automatically get over losing April, but I’ll take what I can get. I must admit I’ve missed her in the OR. It’s good to have her back.

August 24 – In Hiding

I know Robin is devastated that we lost April, but she’s taking this much harder than I thought she would. I’ve tried getting her back in the OR with me and she’s having none of it. She’s been hold up in that lab and she’s not giving anyone the time of day. I don’t know how to get to her, but I’ll just keep trying. She can’t continue like this. None of us can.

August 23 – Not Alone

What a difference a few hours can make. One minute, Robin is showing me how much she trusts me with her; and the next, we’re getting paged that April died. How can I be experiencing such pleasure and contentment with Robin at the same time April is dying? There’s just something wrong with that. I know she had full blown AIDS, but we’d just seen hours before and she seemed fine. What I can be glad about is the fact that we gave April two weeks she never would have had without us. And as difficult as being exposed to AIDS has been for me, it was worth it to give her those two weeks. For two weeks, April wasn’t alone.

What I’m really worried about right now is Robin? She’s taking April’s death so hard and I don’t know what I can do for her other than just be there. I’ve never seen her like this before – so defeated and crushed. That is not my Robin. I think for a moment last night I got to her and maybe she sees that April’s fate doesn’t have to be hers. Whatever the case, I wasn’t leaving her alone no matter how much she wanted to wallow. Robin has to learn that she doesn’t have to be strong all the time, she can lean on me. Last night I just held her in my arms and relished the moment. I left her with her mother earlier and hopefully Robin will feel better, gain some perspective. None of us are letting her go without a fight. None of us know what our future holds. We have to make the most of the time we have. I intend to do that with Robin.

August 21 – Absolutely Amazing

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again – Robin is amazing. April is about to be released from the hospital and Robin offers up her apartment as a place for April to stay. In spite of the pain she carries, Robin continues to put others ahead of herself. I know she’s been putting off her move because she’s going to miss her privacy . . . so will I. But, here she is giving up the space for April. That’s exactly the kind of selfless thing I’ve come to expect from her.

Speaking of April, she must be feeling better, because she’s calling me and Robin on our feelings and talking about how stubborn we are. April is nothing if not direct. While she’s recuperating, we’ll have to stir her away from my and Robin’s relationship and onto some things to enhance whatever time she has left. The last thing I want is for her to have any more regrets.

Now, I’ve been recruited to take Robin home to help get her apartment ready for April. I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I’m sure she’ll tell me. I haven’t gotten one of her lectures lately and I’m probably due. She’s been so supportive and I don’t know if I could have gotten through this without her.

Since I know Stone’s birthday is close, I’m keeping an eye on her. I want to be there for her just like she’s been here for me. She’s strong and independent, but she’s not invincible no matter what she wants everyone to think. She knows that and so do I.

August 17 – Like Mother, Like Daughter

Every conversation I have had in the last few days has found its way to the topic of Dr. Robin Scorpio.

I stopped by Sonny’s to thank him for his help with April and I was surprised. For a mobster, he appears to be a pretty decent guy. It didn’t take more than ten minutes before our conversation turned to Robin and Stone. It appears that Sonny was close to both of them and he gave me a little more insight into Robin and the pain she carries. He also informed me that Stone’s birthday is coming up. I’ll have to keep my eye on Robin, because I know my incident and April and the whole HIV/AIDS thing is hard on her right now. I can’t imagine how much harder Stone’s birthday will be.

As if my convo with Sonny wasn’t enough, I was summoned to meet the infamous Anna Devane at Kelly’s. I figured it had to be about Robin. After all Ms. Devane . . . Anna didn’t have any other reason to want to talk to me. I’ve heard so much about her from Robin that I looked forward to officially meeting her. She actually called me charming. She also made mention of what she probably considers some negative traits that I think Robin might agree that I share with Robert Scorpio. I don’t get why the women can’t see that we’re not arrogant, we’re confident. As for being self-centered and narcissistic, I am a little selfish, but I think I’m doing okay and I’m not a womanizer . . . at the moment.

Having seen Anna before, I knew where Robin got her beauty. After that Maarkham Islands fiasco, I thought Robin got her intelligence, straightforwardness and flair for adventure from her father. But now after actually talking to Anna Devane, I see that Robin shares many of her traits. In fact, except for the spy thing and the accent, Robin is her mother. I like that.

August 16 – Changing Priorities

I went back to Robin’s and apologized for walking out on her. I also explained why I walked out. In the past, I would have been all about myself. I would have taken what was offered and not given it a second thought. But, I couldn’t do that with Robin. If I test positive for HIV and I have a different strain, I could severely compromise her health. I couldn’t take a risk like that, even if she’s willing to. She been so supportive and understanding that I couldn’t let her think that I didn’t want to be with her. That’s the furthest thing from the truth. I’m trying to protect her. Well, my apology led to us talking about perspectives and Stone and life. I understand her better so much better now that I’m dealing with this situation.

I know I’m changing. Robin is hopefully the only one to catch on to that. I actually suggested that we share the wonderful dinner Robin cooked with April at the hospital. We had a great time. I really think April enjoyed the company and it was good spending some time with her. It was all good until I cut myself on a knife and was reminded how much of a danger I could be to Robin. We talked more and came to some realizations about changes to perspective when adversity comes. Priorities are definitely shifted. You start to take pleasure in the little things. Our talk led us in search of chocolate, since Robin forgot dessert with dinner.

Robin put her lock picking skills to use to get us into Kelly’s where we found chocolate cake and champagne. She pretended to feel guilty, but I think she got a kick out of the bit of breaking and entering. The chocolate cake wasn’t bad either. Someone had a radio that worked during the blackout and I even got a dance, that wasn’t interrupted by gunfire. After walking Robin back to her apartment, she almost had me convinced that I wouldn’t hurt her and that it was okay to get close to her, but that was broken up by a call from Epiphany about Ms. Sneed trying to throw April out of the hospital. That woman needs to find something better to do than harass my patients.

I went back to the hospital and found Ms. Sneed going at it with April. I happily put her out of April’s room and the two of us had a talk . . . that ultimately turned to Robin, much like most of my conversations of late. April said out of the blue that Robin is in love with me. She added that I’m in love with Robin. I’m not. What I feel for her can’t be love. Right? I’m not in love with anyone and I don’t do long term.

April did, however, help me gain some perspective about what I do feel for Robin. I care more for her than I’ve ever cared for any woman. How is that possible? If I were to ever fall in love with anyone, I can see it being Robin. Looking at April, I can also see that even though I’m a doctor I could easily be devastated by what could happen to Robin. I wouldn’t let her go through it alone, but it would be exceptionally hard to watch.

April encouraged me to tell Robin how I feel, because there are no guarantees. I did. I must have looked like an idiot. I went to Robin’s door and told her that I care about her and then I left. I just left. When did smooth, charming, confident Patrick Drake start sharing his feelings? I’m not sure whether this is a good thing or a bad one yet. I’m sure I’ll find out soon enough.

August 9 – Stepping Back

Liz and Maxie almost got into a cat fight today because Maxie is sleeping with Lucky. How could he cheat on his wife when she loves him so much? Liz says that Maxie had to manipulate Lucky for him to cheat. Maybe she’s right, but I’m sure the drug addiction isn’t helping. If he’s as much a man’s man as she believes, the back injury and everything with his work has to be a heavy blow, but that’s no excuse. Whatever Liz decides, I’ll help her as much as I can. She’s been a good friend to me and I want to return the favor.

Before all the Liz and Maxie drama, Robin found me in the locker room and invited me to dinner. I tried to get out of it, but she wouldn’t take “no” for an answer. She looked so adorable with that expectant look on her face that I couldn’t turn her down. She admitted that she wants me, even now. I know she’s just being supportive, but I’m not doing real well with that right now. I’m tired of people walking on egg shells around me and trying to make me feel better. I know I’m pushing people away, but I’m dealing with this the best I can or at least I thought I was.

I ran into Gwen from Mercy and told her about my incident in the OR. She couldn’t get away from me fast enough. What does that say when an educated medical professional runs the other way? Maybe she’s just smarter than the rest of us. I’m still on PEP protocol and I don’t know how I’ll test in 6 months. What could that mean for me and Robin?

I got to her house and she’d made dinner. We talked about her upcoming move and then she made a move. I couldn’t reciprocate. Robin wants me to know that the HIV scare doesn’t make me a different person, but I feel different. Maybe I am in a place where I expect rejection like Liz says. I don’t know, but I do know I don’t plan on sleeping with Robin until I have some answers. I can’t take a chance with her.

August 8 – Keeping My Guard Up

Today, I went to Kelly’s for a burger and ended up attending a birthday party for Lulu Spencer. I was gonna leave, but Liz saw me and invited me to join the party. I had no intention of doing that since the only people I really knew were Liz and Bobbie, but Liz called me on the fact that I haven’t been outgoing lately.

I guess I just understand better now why Robin holds back so much with people. You never know when you’ll run into someone who is ignorant or prejudiced so you kinda keep your guard up just in case. I accused her of hiding behind her HIV, but I see that she’s just been protecting herself from unnecessary hurt. Who can blame her?

August 3 - Worried about Robin

Okay, I almost feel as if I’m in the Twilight Zone. First, Dad is prouder of me than he’s ever been. Then, Robert Scorpio is talking about any family being happy to have me as part of it. Who would have thought all I had to do to get some respect from these two men was get stuck by an AIDS contaminated needle and do my job?

On a more serious note, I’m getting really worried about Robin; so worried that I hunted down her parents at the MetroCourt. She told my dad about the accident, it’s only fair that I get to tell hers. Robin’s holding it together too well. She’s being strong for everyone . . . me, April, Alan, everyone. She wants me to see that I won’t be any less should be contract HIV, but I what I really see is how strong she is. She was great with April, encouraging her and letting her in. If she keeps this up, she’s going to crack. I couldn’t let that happen without doing something. Hopefully, her mom and dad, even though he came to the hospital to see me, can give her the support they weren’t able to before, because we all need Robin to be okay.

August 2 – The Results Are In

I never thought I’d see the day I couldn’t tempt a woman into flirting with me or arguing with me. Today is that day. I mean I’m brilliant; I’m good-looking; I’m one of the best neurosurgeons in the country, but . . . I’ve been exposed to HIV. That trumps all my great qualities and accomplishments. I guess the General Hospital rumor mill is much more efficient than I gave it credit for.

Dad caught the tail end of the attempt at flirting and gave me an earful on flirting with other women in front of Robin. He compared me to himself, as if, he could compare when it comes to women. Anyway, Robin tried to stop him, but he accused her of defending me and wouldn’t hear any of it. After I left, Robin filled him in on what happened in the OR and later he and I talked. He even gave me a recipe for a cocktail to help with the nausea from the P.E.P protocol. I have a new respect for Robin, this nausea is . . . bad. Dad’s cocktail actually worked, I might even share it with Robin. Maybe all those years Dad was drinking are finally coming in handy. Good thing he got that liver transplant earlier or we’d both be in a fix, he’d be dead and I’d probably just wish that I was.

I checked in on April and her attitude matches what Robin says about my bedside manner. They both must be lousy. However, Robin struck again. She told April what happened in the OR and must have left some kind of impression. When I went back to check on April, she was empathetic. She felt the need to tell me how she was infected and maybe it made her feel better. I hope so. She got caught up in a very unfortunate situation, trying to save someone who might not have wanted to be saved. We’re going to do everything in our power to help her, but I’m not sure it’ll be enough. At this point, it’ll be about keeping her as comfortable as possible and trying to protect her from any opportunistic diseases.

By the way, I got back my first test results back and they were negative. I’m relieved, but this is just the first hurdle. Now the real wait begins. Six months until I know whether I’ve contracted HIV, Hep B or C. I have a feeling these will be the longest of my life.