September 29 – Tender Loving Care

Who would have thought my being sick would have turned into me getting to stay in an apartment full of half-naked women? Well, not all of them were half naked, but enough. And then, they all wanted to take care of me. Robin took care of that, by sending Kelly and Lainey to work. She was jealous. I love that. She wanted me all to herself. I wasn’t completely sure I’d like her living with them, but I can’t really complain right now. If I had known I’d get all this care and pampering, I would have moved into Casa de Cute Girls weeks ago.

This is the first time in a long time that I’ve let a woman take care of me. The last time was when I was 11 and had the mumps. My mom was great. Robin reminds me a lot of her. She has no idea how incredible she is. Like mom, Robin’s beautiful and let’s me tease her. She doesn’t let me get away with anything. She’s strong and takes care of the people she cares about. It felt good to share a memory of mom with Robin. She still doesn’t take compliments well, but I’ll keep working on that.

It was a good moment – Robin and I just enjoying being with each other and then it happened. The phone rang. All I could think was that my life as about to change forever and I couldn’t let Robin answer. I wasn’t ready to give up that moment with Robin. I was a coward and I hate that. But, I wasn’t ready to face what could be the biggest change of my life, so Robin and I laid there on the couch for a while and then I took a shower and got dressed.

Finally, I made the call and got the best news ever – I’m still HIV negative. What a relief? There’s another test in six months, but Robin says we take each one as it comes. So, since I’m not longer contagious, we celebrated. Boy, does Dr. Scorpio know how to celebrate.

September 28 – Fantastic

Strep Throat! I’ve been running from strep throat for the past few days. How humiliating. I’ve been achy and tired and I was sure that if I just didn’t deal with it, it would go away. I wouldn't have HIV. Robin told me when this first started that I would go through denial and deal with fear. I don’t know how well I’m doing with that. I’m a doctor and I was going to just ignore my symptoms, because they could mean I was HIV+. One minute, I think I have a handle on dealing with the possibility of HIV and the next; I’m hit by something that sends me running and hiding my head in the sand. I hate this. I hate the uncertainty. I hate the fact that I don’t feel strong enough to handle this. But, I have Robin.

I can’t imagine what I did to deserve Robin, or even if I do, but I’m so glad she’s here. It’s been a long time since I’ve depended on anyone else or let anyone get close. I don’t think I could get through this without her. She helps me put this thing – HIV – in perspective. Then, it’s almost like she anticipates what I need and is right there to give it to me. She’s giving me a little TLC and she almost wouldn’t let me get on the internet tonight, at least until I convinced her I wasn’t doing any research on HIV. She is definitely amazing and pretty fantastic, too.

September 25 – Holding on to Hope

Alexis’ lung collapsed and if we didn’t put in a chest tube, she would have suffocated. Epiphany, great nurse that she is, let us know that the previous waiver related to my HIV exposure would cover this procedure, as well.

Sometimes, I almost forget that HIV is an issue and then something like that comes up and reminds me that I still have quite a while before I know whether or not I’m HIV+. I try to ignore that, but it creeps up on me at when I least expect it. Well, enough of that.

Anyway, Nikolas authorized us to do the procedure and Alexis pulled through. This is a definitely a good sign, but she has a long way to go. She’s still in a coma and she has a fight on her hands.

September 19 – False Hope

I knew we wouldn’t be able to agree about medical treatment for long. Robin pulled me into a case, where I can do nothing but disagree. Laura Spencer shut down years ago due to the stress around killing her father. I’ve done the diagnostic tests and I believe that Robin is raising false hope for Luke. Laura is totally unresponsive and while I know Robin is brilliant, she’s wrong. This drug therapy could cause more problems than it solves.

September 11 – A Nation Remembers

The past few weeks have been busy – scattering April’s ashes, Alexis’ surgery and the anniversary of 9/11. All of these events brought with them life reflection. The anniversary of 9/11 brought with it more than just a touch of sorrow. How could it not? Five years ago, thousands of lives were lost. Remembering that tremendous loss, regardless of the cause, helps to put life in perspective somehow. Robin says the best way to honor the memories of those lost is to live life to the fullest, as they can not. I have to agree with her there.

September 5 – Living with Fear

Alexis’ surgery was text book. She made it through the surgery well. Now, the hard part begins – her treatment and recovery. I told her she’d make it through the surgery and I kept my word. As soon as it was over, Robin bolted.

I found her on the docks. Apparently, her maternal clock started ticking when Alexis talked about loving her daughters. I can see that. Robin is definitely a care giver. The way she’s been there for me since my AIDS exposure is a testament to that. I think any kid would be lucky to have her as a mother. She’d not only love the kid to distraction, but she’d also teach the child to be resilient. The way she lives her life is nothing short of amazing. In spite of the fear she has, she pushes herself to go on.

I admire that. Especially since I’ve been running since my mom died – running from the fear of falling apart like my father or being that lost kid I was then. I never thought I’d admit that out loud. I can’t go back there. It was too painful the first time around and the risk is too great. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t learned that time is precious and we should live every moment to the fullest. That said, if Robin wants a baby, she should have one. Yes, there are risks, but other women with the same risk factors do it. She can too.

September 1 – Being Accepted

My whole career I’ve strived to be the best surgeon possible. Who knew that wouldn’t be enough for some people. Since I was exposed to end-stage AIDS, some patients have decided that my life-saving skills aren’t worth them taking the miniscule risk of contracting HIV. That’s a hard pill to take. I am still dealing with the idea that I could infect someone else, even though I’ve tested negative for the virus. It is times like this that I understand why Robin chose not to become a surgeon. But, my surgical skills are never in question. I’m still the best surgeon General Hospital has on staff. I’m glad Alexis realizes that. Like I told her and Sam, she won’t die on the table. Some people might call me arrogant for saying that, but I only speak the truth. I’ll do whatever I have to do to save my patient. That’s just who I am.